Emily McGuire and the Deathly Hallows: A Year After Capernwray

Here’s what this post is not going to be:

1. Funny

2. A rapturous thrill ride through the list of wonderful things the Lord has been doing in my life this year/how I am serving Him

Because a year later, after all that growth and learning and spiritual development, I am back to being The Worst. I am the worst in slightly different ways, perhaps, but I am still the worst. And don’t leave comments saying that I am not and that I’m such an inspiration to you and such a wonderful young lady because I’m very aware of my good qualities already (this awareness is part of what makes me the worst). Also, no comments referencing the verse where Paul says he too is the worst of sinners. I seent it.

I’m just weird about God right now. Not weird in a way that should make you feel concerned, I’m not gonna make any regrettable life decisions or rebel against the faith. I’m just kind of giving God the side-eye and being like, “what’s your deal?”. Probably because, while at Capernwray, I actually read the entire Bible from start to finish, and nothing makes you question everything you thought you knew about God like some of the stuff he does in the Old Testament. (Genocide down to the last small child is probably the most distressing, no clear command to not rape people (feel free to fact check me, I want to be wrong) is also up there, and polygamy being “one of the sins he permitted” is also freaking me out pretty badly. I know the usual answer to this last one is “it was a way to make sure women would be taken care of” but God created the Israelite nation and all their laws, so why not create a system where women could take care of themselves?

I guess one of the main things I learned at Capernwray was how to think. I mean, I knew how to think, and I have always been down to rage against the machine, but in the olden days all my critical thinking skills went into defending what I had been taught. And it was good teaching from knowledgeable people and very wise parents, and it was rooted in scripture. But when I went to Cape and met people who had different views on some things, and I learned to really listen to people who I disagreed with and not just argue back with my rehearsed response from high school apologetics as soon as they paused for breath. I stopped to ask myself, “do I believe that because it’s in scripture or because it’s what the Christian circles I move in always say?” “Is that sentiment really from scripture, or is it a cultural virtue that I’ve morphed scripture around because I couldn’t possibly see why God wouldn’t also believe in the American dream?” This all reads like a very good, rich, soul-searching ol’ time, and it started out like that, but I feel like instead of drawing nearer to the throne and whatnot I’m getting steadily crustier towards God, because when I say I’m questioning all the things, I mean all the things, including the goodness of God.

It’s weird though, because I’m kind of mad at God, but usually people are mad at God because he let something terrible happen in their life. My life is great. I’m mad about other stuff. I’m mad that Christians in other countries are being martyred and I’m mad that kids are living in abusive homes and I just don’t think I can sit here and thank God for my blessings when the whole world seems so arbitrary that it makes me doubt whether the good things in my life are even gifts from God or just the benefits of living in America and lucking out with a good family. Like why would God give me a beautiful house and food and a job I love and then not rescue a Christian in a restricted nation who is more devout than I have ever been from imprisonment? (Cue someone jumping in with the verse about counting trials as pure joy. Sit down. Yain’t the only one who’s had a look at inspirational verses on the Pinterest, Susan.)

One last salty rant and then I’ll try to end on a vaguely hopeful note that assuages your concerns for my spiritual well-being. Why does it seem like all my concerns are the opposite of what is generally addressed in the Christian community? I feel like everyone’s testimony is, “I thought I wasn’t worthy, but God wasn’t finished with me yet.” But I know I’m worthy. I’ve gotten a handle on this particular concept to the point that I almost feel like there’s something wrong with me because I don’t struggle with believing I’m good enough. And ok, God isn’t finished with any of us, but what if I’m not down with God using me? I know, sinful talk, but here’s what really griddles my biscuits: millions of people walk around every day thinking they’re good with God but actually living for themselves and not him. So what’s the difference between me and them? That they’re in denial about it and I’m not? And where is the Beth Moore study for people who get stuck at the confession stage? Like, yeah I am fully aware that I’m a self-centered crust loaf, but I know I’m not gonna change so repenting would just be lying to myself and God. There could be a Beth Moore study for exactly that, I’m going to call my own bluff and admit that I’ve never read Beth Moore for myself. Trying too hard to please God, another one I feel like every other Christian girl is always struggling with, but my deal is that I figure if God loves me no matter what I do, then I just really don’t feel motivated to do what is pleasing to him unless it’s gonna benefit me. We had a great series at Capernwray about being a key player in the kingdom of God, and one of the themes that kept coming up was, “If you want to be a key-player for God, expect obstacles and hardships.” Awesome, I love the honesty of that, but what I was asking in my head and what I wish I had asked out loud was, “Ok, so what if what I’m getting out of this series is that I don’t want to be a key-player?” What’s my deal? Does everyone else just have a core desire to battle against their own selfishness? Am I the only one welcoming it in with parties and hilarious jokes about how awful I am? Like literally everything else in my life right now, I doubt that. Mostly because another thing I learned at Capernwray was that no matter how weird or shameful or specific you thought your Tragic Backstory™ was, when at last you inevitably ended up bearing your soul to someone, the response was always “Omg same! I thought I was the only one!” So basically, I’m spewing this ultra-emo angst fest on the interwebs in part because I only had 6 Capernwray blogs and I needed to add another so they’d correspond perfectly to the Harry Potter books, but mostly because one of the three people who read this blog might be in the same boat and I’d hate for them to think they’re the only crusty, angsty egomaniac having an existential crisis. There’s at least two of us.