12 Steps to Becoming a Good Homeschooling Mom

1. The Sharer:

Try to share 5-7 Christian blog posts a week. Bonus points if they are written by stay-at-home moms. Bonus-bonus points if they have titles like: "Embracing the Chaos", "A Beautiful Mess", "Why I wept with gratitude as I wiped off my child's sticky fingers" and "There Are Poop Smears On My Walls, And That's Okay."

2. The Friend:

Never refer to another mom as "another mom" the correct phrase is, "this sweet momma" bonus round: 10 points if you find a use for the phrase, "praying for this sweet momma"

3. The Activist:

If you have something important to say, be sure to tell everyone that "God laid it on your heart."

4.The Encourager:

Every time a young girl of your acquaintance posts a group pic on fb, be sure to comment, "Beautiful girls, inside and out!"

5. The Medicine Woman:

Get your 4-6 children huffed up on that lavender essential oil stuff so they will go down without a fight at bedtime

6. The Matchmaker:

"Dating" is a taboo word for any good homeschooling family. Replace it with phrases such as, "courting" and "getting to know one another better." Replace the boy asking the girl, "would you like to go on a date?" with the boy's mom saying to the girl's mom, "our families should get together sometime." (wink wink)

Good replacement words for boyfriend/girlfriend include: "just friends", or maybe "best friends" (sorry, actual best friend who has now lost their title after 10 years of faithful service)

7. The Natural Woman:

There is a direct correlation between how well-respected you are in the homeschool community and how many of your children were home-births.

8. The "Well, I tried.":

Be sure to spend anywhere from 6 months to 9 years turning your spare bedroom into the school room of your dreams, complete with Ikea shelves, walls painted with chalkboard paint and adorable desks for your little blessings.

Use it for 3 weeks and spend the rest of your homeschooling journey working at the kitchen table.

9. The "Let them learn by immersion!"

If you haven't forced your children into pioneer dress at least once, you're not doing it right. No child should graduate homeschool without a scarring experience involving a public appearance in historical American or Biblical dress.

10. The Field Tripper:

As every devout Muslim must make the pilgrimage to Mecca, so every devout homeschooling family must make a pilgrimage to the Creation Museum. I mean, if you didn't take your kids to the Ark Encounter in the first week it was open, are you even trying?

11. The Baker:

Make homemade bread at least once or forfeit your title as "Sweet Homeschool Momma". There is no other way.

12. The Film Critic:

The devil is prowling like a prowling lion that prowls, so be sure to monitor what your kiddos are watching on the TV! Every homeschooled kid who has asked their mom if they can go see a movie has gotten both of these responses at least once:

A. "What's it rated?"

(I am 19 years old, and I only recently watched my first R-rated movie. Those who read my post about the haunted barn and thus understand how I react in scary/intense situations will understand why I don't wish to repeat the experience. Fun fact: It was not The Passion of the Christ, which is the traditional inaugural R-rated movie for homeschoolers)

After "What's it rated?" comes...

B. "Hold on, let me check PluggedIn."

Every homeschooled kid knows it's almost always over once PluggedIn makes an appearance.

PluggedIn is a website that reviews popular movies and points out each and every sin lurking within, leaving no stone unturned. Ok, that sounds really intense. It actually just lays out the facts and allows parents to make an informed decision about whether they consider a movie appropriate for their child, but since its reviews foiled many a plan of mine in my younger days, I'm a little bitter. I have a lovely memory from my junior high days, of hovering on the doorstep as my mother read through the PluggedIn review of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince -Oh, I mean, uh, a...different movie...not Harry Potter...because I'm a good homeschooler, not remotely connected with heathen films that promote witchcraft...

P.S. She did let me go.

For safe home viewing, purchase a ClearPlay, which will filter out all the immorality from your movies. I believe there is a knock-off brand called Guardian Angel, which definitely has a more homeschooled ring to it. Note: our family never owned a ClearPlay, so we usually just screamed and covered our eyes while mom yelled, "The remote, John! The remote!" We call that Budget ClearPlay.

Ok, that's the end. I'm really bad at concluding paragraphs, so I'm not going to write one. Everybody go home.