Emily McGuire and the Chamber of Secrets

In honor of Tom Riddle's diary being such an important part of Chamber of Secrets, I shall write this blog diary style.

November 1st

Set my alarm to the Mickey Mouse clubhouse theme song, hoping it would put me in a good mood when I woke up. It did not. Also, someone is sticking pictures of Nicolas Cage up all over the school. To whoever it is, I applaud you.

Nov 3

Today we had a prayer day. It was really nice and refreshing, and at the evening service everyone cried and it was beautiful.

There is a lip-sync battle on Saturday. Me, Esther, Kenzie, Josie and our friend Emma who is scary but cool, are doing I Want It That Way by The Backstreet Boys. It's going to be amazing. After we practiced that, me and Esther listened to video game music and songs from musicals and did weird dances. My sister Elizabeth should appreciate that, because everything I would do something strange at home she would make me promise that I would do stuff like that once I got to Capernwray. Wish granted.

Nov 4

I got my first essay back today, and I passed! I have no idea if it was a borderline pass or a flying colors pass, or anything in between, because the marker's comments were literally the most sterile thing I've ever read. He just said things like, "you're sourcing and references are all correct." And "this is a good book review."

Thank.

Nov 5

Today was a milestone in the Life of Emily, because I didn't wear make up and still felt pretty! The afternoon was spent watching movies in the lounge with friends and getting ready for Celebration Meal. Since we have so many different countries represented all of whom have different thanksgiving/harvest/fall time holidays, Capernwray just lumps them all together in one big banquet. We all dressed super-fly and drank juice out of goblets, and generally felt ultra fancy. After the meal was the lip sync battle, which was a golden evening of shamelessly imitating boy band members to the amusement of a hundred cheering audience members. Man, I'd forgotten how much I love attention.

Nov 6

So you know how actors at auditions always say yes to everything. "Can you ride a horse?" Yes. "Can you sing?" Yes. Any good actor will say that they can do anything asked of them, with zero regard to whether they have any clue how to do it or not. I did the exact same thing when asked if I could lead a worship team. Because, after all, how hard could it be. (For further examples of times I've said to myself "how hard can it be" before making a decision, see my earlier post, Roller Skating is the Root of All Evil). I will not say that me leading worship went badly, nor will I say that it went well. It went, and that is sufficient for me. My greatest faux pas was thinking I was so prepared by showing up to the service 15 minutes early, when in fact, anyone who knows anything knows to show up 1 hour early. Oh well. Live and learn.

Nov 7

We were out of croissants in our room today, so I ate chocolate coins for breakfast. I also wore a red plaid pajama shirt and robot socks as my ootd, so I was pretty surprised by the lack of marriage proposals I received.

Nov 9

I found a pre-lit tiny Christmas tree at Tesco today for £5, which naturally I flung into my cart without a moment's consideration of doing otherwise. It makes our room look very festive indeed. Sadly though, my day took a sharp turn southward when, at lunch, they served ice cream, and there was ONLY VANILLA. No chocolate. No caramel. Not even cookies n' cream, which is just vanilla with dirt mixed in. (Calm down, cookies n' cream zealots, I have no objection to anyone eating dirt vanilla if dirt vanilla makes them happy.) BUT BACK TO MY PROBLEM. THERE WAS NO CHOCOLATE ICE-CREAM. WHERE THERE IS NO CHOCOLATE, THERE IS NO HOPE. MY DESPAIR IS COMPLETE. PLEASE, LORD JESUS, TAKE ME TO BE WITH YOU, THIS WORLD HAS NOTHING FOR ME.

Nov 10

I discovered an important personal truth today when my Brony friend helped me decide that the My Little Pony called Rarity is my spirit pony. She is fancy, and snobbish but kind, so I rest my case.

Nov 11

A group of us all walked down to a pub for lunch today, and on the road we saw 2 hedgehogs who had been squashed flat by cars, and it was very disturbing and tragic. At dinner back at school, we were treated to a beautiful cinematic experience which the guys had put together to get everyone hyped up for the England vs. Scotland football game. It involved our token Scottish student riding in on his horse -actually also a student, but wearing one of those horse head masks- and giving Mel Gibson's Braveheart speech to the male portion of the student body. We're still waiting to hear back from the Academy, but I'd be very surprised if Oscars do not flow. Then came the football game itself, during which I cheered on England (of course) and which England won.

Nov 12

Our day trip today was to Chester, where we visited the roman history museum and I found out that my place in this world is reclining on a lectus. We also went into a weird curio shop, which felt a bit like a well-lit Borgin and Burke's. I feel as though, had I stayed in there too long, I may have accidentally become involved with the occult. Fun times.

That evening in the lounge we had an open mic night, the highlight of which was a dramatic performance by Kyle, who had written a beautiful poem entitled, "One Million", which started like this:

"One. Two.

Three, four, five.

Six.

Seven, eight, nine,

Ten."

It went on like this until about 51, but by then we had all been made so emotional by the beauty of his lyrical words that he had to be asked to please finish early.

Nov 13

It's getting dark at 4:30 these days, which means I keep thinking it's bedtime when it is alas very far indeed from bedtime, and there is yet much toil to be done before day's end.

We had our first Dungeons & Dragons game today. For those who don't know, D&D is basically a story telling game for grown-ups, where we go on an imaginary adventure and can make whatever kind of decisions we want, under the guidance of the dungeon master. The success of one's decision is measured by a roll of the dice. There are so many people playing that we had to split into two separate campaigns. The other campaign had already met twice, and they basically spent the whole time having a grand old time putting on a cabaret in a tavern. The scenario which the dungeon master set up for our group to start with, however, was that we were all trapped in cages in an Orc camp. I don't know who in the other group is bribing Billy (the dungeon master) but when I find them they are going down. If I have to pretend-suffer, everyone should have to pretend-suffer.

The guest speaker was at tea today. We had scotch eggs, and he came up to our table and asked if we knew what they were. A little surprised that a rather ancient Brit such as he would never have happened upon a scotch egg, I helpfully told him, "They're scotch eggs."

Apparently unhearing, he continued to wonder what they could possibly be.

"They're scotch eggs," I told him again.

"I never seen anything like them. Do you know what they are?"

"They're scotch eggs."

"I wonder what they're called."

"They're-" I started to say, and then I gave up. 5 minutes later he came back to our table, happily declaring, "I've found out what they are! They're called scotch eggs."

Who knew.

Nov 14

We learned about reverse circumcision today. I'm not going to explain it, just know that it is a thing, and it is as bad as it sounds.

I've really been enjoying the required Old Testament reading (not sarcasm. It's really cool.) I ended getting so emotionally invested in 1 Samuel that I cried when {SPOILER ALERT} Jonathan died.

As you know, secret sis is a thing here, and my friend Josie's secret sis sent her on a scavenger hunt today. Various people had been given written clues to give Josie, and the final clue, which would direct Josie to the top of Capernwray's highest tower where her prize awaited, was being held by Sue Gilmore, High Queen of Sass, who we all aspire to be. Josie ran into the office, where Sue gave her the clue. Josie read the clue, figured it out, and loudly declared, in front of not only Sue, but also the studies coordinator, the outreach director, the lady who grades papers and the principal of the school, "Top of the tower, bitches!" She then realized what she had said, screamed, and power walked out the door. She's Canadian.

Nov 15

The Scotch Egg Man has been giving lectures on Revelation this week. It's been....well it's taught me good time management, in that I have finished three assignments during his lectures. His interpretation of Revelation is the one where people think everything in the book is going to happen completely literally. Also rapture in the Left Behind sense. That doesn't happen to be my view, but I also don't pretend to have a monopoly on truth, and I also don't think he's going to hell for holding this view. Also, my disagreement with him was not the reason I wasn't listening, it was more because me and also most of the student body had no idea what he was going on about half the time. However, he did pique my interest, when, at the end of a lecture which kept getting more and more strange, he pulled out a folder full of the symbols of various organizations from various nations, and explained why they were actually all satanic and symbolized the end times. He also said, and I quote, "There's also a satanic symbol on the American dollar bill." Needless to say, the rest of the week was saturated with students making illuminati jokes.

Nov 16

I gave my testimony today in family group, and as I usually can't say 5 words about Jesus without crying, the fact that I made it through was surely the hand of the good Lord. Continuing on a spiritual note, I've discovered that the best place to be alone to do my devotional time is in a locked shower stall. You gotta do what you gotta do.

Nov 17

Several of us went out for the afternoon to see Fantastic Beasts today. It was beautiful and Eddie Redmayne is the boy version of Meryl Streep and I might have cried.

Not 18

I went on an outreach to an old people's get together at a church, which was lovely. We sang songs with them, and I met 3 people from my hometown of Burnley, including a postman who knew my parents and used to deliver mail to my house, albeit long before I lived there.

Nov 19

Some guests joined us for Dungeons and Dragons today, and one of them was contemplating having their character kill my character and take her money. At this, I turned to this man is never met before in my life and told him that if he killed me in the game, I would kill him in real life. And he believed me! Of course, upon having my death threat be taken seriously, my voice immediately jumped 5 octaves, I clasped my hands to my heart, and I said "Oh, thank you! It means so much that you really think I would kill you."

If you ever need to sum up my entire personality in two quotes, these are the ones to use.

Nov 22

I brought a 1-kilo jar of Nutella into the conference hall today and ate out of it during lectures, because these are the things you can do when you sit 4 rows back.

Our lectures today were about Deborah- that woman is goals. We should stop aspiring to be Beyoncé and aspire to be Deborah. I mean seriously, rule over Israel, kill some people, write some songs; that, my friends, is living.

Nov 23

One of the extra curricular activities they offer here at Capernwray is taking three or four students at a time over to the house of a charming elderly lady named Esther to bake cookies. Today I went with my two friends Esther (whom we shall refer to as Esther the Younger from here on out to save confusion) and Mackenzie. We made chocolate chip cookies, during which process Esther the Younger picked up a still semi-hot baking tray, and upon seeing my surprise and concern, looked me dead in the eyes and said, "fire cannot kill a dragon." She is an endless source of entertainment, a ray of sunshine, a meme on legs.

After the cookies were baked, we hung out with Esther the Elder, and while we were all sitting around the kitchen table, she declared, "Let's have a bit of romance, shall we?" and proceeded to light one small tea light candle. What a gem.

Nov 24

I sat at the same table as the guest speaker (not Scotch Egg Man, another) today. He was telling me all about the occult stuff that happens in a nearby town we have both visited. "There's a witches coven on one side of the church and on the other side is the building were they meet to play Dungeons and Dragons," he told me, in a tone that clearly indicated he viewed both as equally heathen.

"Oh my," I said, in a tone that made it sound like I was shocked that anyone would dare participate in the game I had definitely just spent 3 hours playing the previous weekend.

Give the people what they want, right?

In other news, I was feeling pretty good about my ability to function in the adult world, having just solved a minor debit-card issue by making a phone call. Mere hours later, I found myself crying in public because I couldn't figure out how to book an airbnb. Reality hits you hard, bro.

Nov 25

Today was workday, and I got to clean some urinals, which was an important milestone in my life, as well as a good thing to add to my resumé that I don't actually have.

The school provides a van into town thrice a week, so students can go buy essential items like shampoo and ramen. (Mostly ramen.) Our driver played Spanish screamo the entire trip. Henceforth, I declare that no other type of music is acceptable to mine ears.

We had a social event tonight called Duck Hunt. The interns had been hyping it for weeks, but refusing to give us any details about what the heck it was, because they enjoy toying with our emotions. It turned out to be a duck themed game night, though reasons why this was so remain shrouded in mystery. Anyway, that is the story of how I found myself climbing into a frosty flower bed in the dark of night to obtain a rubber duck.

Nov 27

Today was the first Sunday of advent, which for some reason meant we had church in the lounge and were fed Christmas cookies, which makes me wish every Sunday was the first Sunday of advent.

On a side note, every single person at this school except me owns a pair of Birkenstocks. But as I'm chill with not looking like a white dad at a t-ball game, I don't really mind not being a part of this trend.

My room mates and I are trying to savor our last days together before Christmas break comes and housing arrangements change, so we were trying to think of a fun roomie activity, and we decided we should all get ear piercings. Rather than wasting money on paying a professional to do them, we or them done by a fellow student, whose method involves shoving a blunt earring through your ear flesh with her bare hands. She perfected this method on herself cause she's a freakin' boss, and now she blesses others with her spiritual gift of piercing. The best part of the experience is the audible pop you hear when the earring goes through your skin. Gotta love those Bible school experiences.

Nov 28

Capernwray has an indoor pool, but more importantly, Capernwray's pool facilities play host to a SAUNA. I went in there with some friend today and it was life-changing, except I wish I had taken my contacts out beforehand, because in the overwhelming heat they began to dry up, and my eyeballs soon felt like SpongeBob SquarePants in that episode where he spends too much time in Sandy's water proof house.

Nov 30

I'm in lectures and the speaker just said penis twice. Obviously there is context here but I'm not going to give it. What's important is that he said it.

So that's November at Capernwray. Clearly I don't have the spiritual gift of meeting self-induced deadlines, so you can expect the December one sometime next June.