Almond Bark

Ok people, we need to talk.

Almond Bark is NOT chocolate. It just isn’t. Every Christmastime since I moved to this country at six years old, people have been offering me things dipped in Almond Bark trying to pass them off as an acceptable dessert and I’m TIRED YALL.

If you don’t know what Almond Bark is, good for you, keep your eyes from this post and never trust anyone handing you a plate of Christmas baking. If, for some reason, you still want to satisfy your perverted curiosity, fine, I will tell you. Remember when you were little and you would participate in an Easter egg hunt? And, as a connoisseur of a child, you really only enjoyed chocolate, and none of that nasty gummy stuff, so you were delighted to find a few foil wrapped bunnies in your horde, but then you eagerly unwrapped one and popped it in your mouth, only to find that you had essentially eaten the concentrated essence of a dollar store? No? Just me? Anyway, imagine that chocolate in melted form and you have Almond Bark, if not exactly the same in taste, certainly exactly the same in disappointment.

But the thing about Almond Bark (and that God-forsaken Easter chocolate) is that I really did try. It tasted just close enough to real chocolate that I thought maybe it wasn’t as bad as I thought. After all, everyone else seemed to be enjoying it just fine –OMG I WAS BEING GASLIT BY CHOCOLATE.

Anyway, it took years of developing a strong sense of self before I was able to privately break away from the madness, and now that I no longer live with my mom and she can’t stop me from posting whatever I want on the internet, no matter how offensive, I am here to publicly declare my distaste for Almond Bark, and beg the public to please stop dipping pretzel rods in it and calling it Christmas baking. Please, if not for me, then for the Baby Jesus himself.