The Worst Disney Princess

Hello. It is I, here once again to rant about something of no real significance.

I grow weary of statements that reference vintage Disney princesses in conjunction with misogynist or unempowering-to-women worldviews. If someone comes for me once more with that “Cinderella Is Anti-Feminist” propaganda, I will yeet them into next week. The Cinderella obsession I went through in high school was probably not as cute as I thought it was, but it did equip me with ample qualification as a Cinderella apologist. Also, as creator of 4 years of Princess Camp at my dance studio, and as a former party Princess (meaning I would dress as a princess for events, not that I was such a drunkard and a wastrel as to be dubbed a monarch of partying lol) I believe I am pretty well qualified to speak on the subject of princess ranking.

Let’s discuss the poor innocent pre-1960’s princesses that get all the flack: Snow White, Cinderella, Aurora.

Snow White: Absolute powerhouse. Annoying voice? Sure. But is it really feminist to judge a woman on her voice? I think not. Why do I say she’s a powerhouse? She walks uninvited into the dwarves’ cottage, looks around, says, “Oh look, a pickaxe!” and then LAUGHS. I’d also like to discuss the scene where she forces all of them to wash their hands. Coronavirus? Not in Snow White’s house. She also spends a decent portion of the movie Marie Kondo-ing all over the place with the help of some woodland animals, so basically wherever she goes she makes life better for those around her and we STAN a helpful queen ok??

Cinderella: THE QUEEN. THE BEST PRINCESS. If anyone tried to speak ill of Cinderella in my presence, they’d better start applying for student loans because I am taking them to SCHOOL. What is Cinderella’s crime? Not turning her life around completely by herself, a young woman in an abusive situation in the 1800’s?!?! I’m sorry, I didn’t know VICTIM BLAMING was in?? Where’s she gonna go if she leaves home, the poorhouse?? Resort to a life of crime?? People will say, yeah but it teaches girls they have to get a man to save them.” DOES IT? Because in the movie I watched, when she’s out crying in the courtyard, the person that magically apparates before her is an ELDERLY PLUS-SIZE WOMAN. And if, while at the ball, Cindy meets a total hottie who also happens to be rich, and it works out that they get together in the end, DOES SHE NOT DESERVE A LITTLE GOOD FORTUNE?? HAS SHE NOT SUFFERED ENOUGH IN HER SHORT LIFE?? She also exhibits dignity, grace under pressure, perseverance, the power of an alto singing voice, and just before she’s interrupted by the messenger with the ball invitation, is charging toward Lucifer to beat him with her broom, so I really don’t see why y’all gotta hate.

Aurora: Only in 18 minutes of her own movie, so can any of us really judge her? Her only crime is throwing a fit when she’s told she can’t go on a second date with the cute boy she met in the woods, but the movie does state very clearly that she is 15 years old, so I think any of us could fish around in our own 15th year for an equally incriminating episode. Other than that, she’s really just vibing, and not causing any trouble for anyone, so please leave her alone.

All the princesses after that, no-one seems to have a problem with. But they should have a problem with one Disney princess, and one alone, and that is Ariel.

I cannot STAND Ariel. If the pre-60’s “I am likeable, but perhaps too perfect, and not master of my own destiny, and also I got a man” narrative is repugnant to your sensibilities, you should be absolutely fuming at the narrative arch of The Little Mermaid. Remember when teenage Aurora cried over a boy but then –however begrudgingly- listened to her elders and returned to her kingdom to accept her destiny as a princess? My girl Ariel, at a similar age, saves a cute boy from drowning ONE TIME and literally ruins everyone’s lives including her own trying to get with him. How selfish and idiotic do you have to be to sell your soul to a sea witch after literally only looking at this dude? He could’ve had a girlfriend. He could’ve been a psychopath. He could’ve been one of those guys whose internal monologue is microwave noise. At least Aurora’s meltdown came after performing a whole musical number with her man.

And Ariel is literally so mean to everyone who cares about her. She bails on her sisters when they are trying to put on a show, she drives Sebastian and Flounder to the edge of a nervous breakdown, and don’t even get me started on what she puts her dad through. Honestly at this point I’m feeling pretty bad for Eric, because everything about Ariel’s behaviour thus far indicated that we’ll be seeing the two of them on Dr. Phil a couple months after their wedding.

If you like Ariel because she’s a mermaid and the soundtrack for this movie slaps, I get it. I totally love this movie too, but I also love the 2005 Pride and Prejudice, despite Keira Knightley’s horrifying portrayal of Lizzie Bennet, because nothing in life is perfect and I’ve learned not to let a fly ruin the ointment. But it is my solemn calling to speak the truth in this dark world, and I cannot shirk my destiny. Thank you for your time.